Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
