Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Drunk is a universal language darling
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
