You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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