I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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