I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
