Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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