I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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