the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
