I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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