I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
