Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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