Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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