Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
