She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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