I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
