It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
