just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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