Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
