Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
