sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
