Nicole vs. Life
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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