When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
