it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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