I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize