just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
