I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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