Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize