That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
