mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
