The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I AM VODKA MAN
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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