You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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