who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
