at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
