OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
