just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
