1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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