Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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