His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
