she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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