is your mom at the bar?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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