you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
