How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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