so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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