It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
