There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
