sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
