Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
