Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Houston, we have a squirter
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
