umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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