Ambien. No doubt about it.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
