im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
