i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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