Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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