Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
