Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
