I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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