Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we're making bets on your personal life
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
