I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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